We would say that relating to people on a very close level is something wonderful and should be a pillar of calm and harmony in a complex and competitive world, a sea of ​​obligations and tasks that flow from the multiplicity of roles that modern man has. However, most of the time and under specific circumstances, this relationship, instead of functioning as a booster of the couple's well-being, begins to become a source of constant anxiety and mental tyranny for both members of it.

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These concerns could most often be related to the fact that disagreements will lead to a breakup of the relationship, that your partner does not find you as attractive and interesting (as other people in your friendly, professional and social environment are), resulting in the search for constant reassurance (which over time may irritate the other partner), or concerns that sooner or later the relationship will end and you will be left alone forever, etc.

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Behind this anxiety lies a fear: the fear of abandonment. Often the worst ways to deal with it are ways that, instead of reducing it, increase your anxiety. If you are looking for signs that your partner has lost interest, you may find yourself looking for signs that your partner is interested in someone else, verbally attacking and belittling your potential “competitors” (friends and colleagues) at every opportunity. Or, you may focus on looking and behaving perfectly (which is exhausting in the long run), never arguing, or, conversely, escalating simple conversations into arguments in order to prevent what you fear from happening. If these behaviors sound familiar to you, then you may suffer from the fear of abandonment. If you feel insecure about the possibility of abandonment, you will be preoccupied with:

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• by mind reading ("He/She is angry with me"),

• by mind reading ("He/She is going to leave me"),

• by personalizing your partner's behavior ("I must have made him/her really angry, it's my fault")

• and by catastrophic thinking ("It would be awful if I ended up alone").

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As a result of these insecurities, you may constantly seek reassurance, control how he feels, what he does and where he goes, become overly pleasant and never claim anything for yourself or the fulfillment of your own emotional needs. There is also the extreme case of choosing to create extramarital relationships on the margins of your relationship and even with people who are less desirable or have characteristics inferior to your preferences, or hasten a breakup to end the torment of your anxiety, "an hour earlier."

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Behind this worry and constant anxiety, lies this threat of abandonment, which is experienced emotionally as anger, betrayal, distrust, and ultimately depression. Yes, depression is often the epiphenomenon, a secondary and secondary manifestation of this fear, which is also its deepest cause. Although it is said that the manifestation of genders, male-female, man-woman, beyond their biological background is a social construction, for women the valuable goods that may be at stake in such situations are often love, social bond and close companionship, while for men what is threatened are often sexual "rights", management of the family or even a symbol of social prestige.

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What factors now reinforce this fear? When you assess that the level of involvement and commitment of the other person is different from yours and may be considered not so strong, your concerns about the fear of abandonment will increase, especially when your self-esteem is low. The more insecure you feel, the greater the impact on you will be if you imagine that you may lose a person or a relationship and the emotional "rewards" that come from that relationship. Especially when you feel that you cannot easily get them from other future partners, because you may believe deep down that you do not deserve them.

Often such a fear that creates uncontrolled anxiety in the person leads him to excessive manifestations of jealousy.

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• They become more possessive (want to monopolize the other person's interest and time, etc.),

• They adopt controlling and pressured behaviors (checking social media, email, looking for their partner's personal things),

• They display "counter-attack" behaviors (flirting with other people, saying bad things about their partner to potential competitors, badmouthing potential competitors to third parties, etc.).

• Women in particular experience this whole situation extremely dysphorically, to the point that they begin to withdraw physically and emotionally, avoid people and situations that make them feel so bad, and try to find a solution by confiding in friends about the situation (with all the negative consequences of such a tactic) or even by making their partner or their social circle believe that they don't care.

• Men, especially, may hover, use physical violence, or demand that their partner stop seeing certain people or participating in certain activities.

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At this point, it may be useful to mention which situations can act as triggers for such a stressful reaction that can also result in thoughts and behaviors that point to pathological (almost paranoid) jealousy.

For many people, certain social situations can act as significant stressful events. They may feel pressured to fit in with the other people there. They may feel like they have to prove something, be entertaining, appear smart, or just be nice - when in reality they would rather be almost anywhere else!

In situations that cause such anxiety, it is not surprising that people can misinterpret what is happening around them in a negative way. Especially in the second half, when we are alone, we can start to become overly suspicious, reflecting on the events of the day, recalling and examining the small details that are so often enough to cause excessive and uncontrollable anxiety. Details such as people's expressions, gestures or a particular outfit, a comment from a "competitor" that is perceived as derogatory and unpleasant, coincidences and unusual events.

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Generally speaking, when you experience negative emotions, they result in the birth of thoughts that are far from reality. In fact, in some cases, the effect of your low mood or such jealous behavior can cause the very events that you interpret as suspicious and thus function as a "self-fulfilling prophecy." In such situations, the best way to deal with them is to try to ignore such dysphoric negative thoughts or, failing that, to try to find a way to contrast them with reality.

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On the one hand, GST deals not with the actual event that upset you, but with the specific interpretation you gave it, without even realizing it (automatically), as a result of an “unconscious” process, and on the other hand, GST takes seriously the basis of your experience and challenges you to compare it with reality, the only reliable judge of any idea, belief and “I believe” about yourself, your significant others and your future.

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Questions such as: am I being overly optimistic, how much am I overthinking in my mind, where does my lack of trust come from, how satisfied am I with my relationship, what am I missing, what needs of mine are not being met, why and when could someone think like me, is there anything good and useful that I expect by thinking and reacting this way, are questions that may help you escape this deadly trap of anxiety and fear of abandonment.

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Being with a person who has chosen to be with us is something wonderful and should be a pillar of calm and harmony in a complex and competitive world, a sea of ​​obligations and tasks that flow from the multiplicity of roles that modern man has. Besides, if there are no obstacles such as children and shared assets, staying in a relationship is due above all to the good intention of both partners. Think about it: if this is questioned, then what else is left?