A major risk factor for disrupting a constructive mood in interpersonal relationships, and I would add in relationships in general, are psychological and psychiatric disorders.

Imagine one of the two partners or a member of a group suffering from depression and dysthymia or chronic anxiety, which as we know from studies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, have a particular relationship with the beliefs, worldview and the quality of thoughts and interpretations that such a person attempts to explain his environment, and the situations he may face daily.

Research data shows that when people who reported their relationship with their partner as a low-quality relationship were asked, a series of "personal beliefs" and behaviors that often emerged were:

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• One or both of them doing and saying things that, if not annoying, at least do not like the other.

• One or both of them ignoring the problems and stress of the other.

• One or both of them who make up the relationship are so absorbed in their work that they neglect the other.

• When one is not a priority for the other and is not willing to sacrifice things for the relationship.

• When one is sexually abstract or indifferent and forgets things important to the other partner.

• Absence of consultation in making decisions on issues that arise and concern/affect both.

• When one does not listen to the other and does not share family responsibilities

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However, there is a strategy that can, in principle, have a positive effect on a relationship, and this concerns our ability to begin our conversations or requests in a "soft" way so as to avoid triggering any "sensitivities" of the interlocutor, that is, any tendency to interpret our words as an attack on their personal space and to feel coerced, rejected, belittled, etc.

Usually the absence of such a skill is responsible for triggering intense dialogues that can lead a couple to a fight. Here too, the main factors that gradually lead to an unjustified unwanted escalation are automatic negative thoughts, our state (psychosomatic) and elements of the environment that act as alarm signals (cues) for the Sympathetic Nervous System of both parties.

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For example, we often tend to express complaints in a way that comes across as accusations, contempt, or criticism of the recipient of our complaints. Let's say you feel the need for more affection from your man and you say, "You never touch me," when you could express the same thing much better by saying, "I liked the way you kissed me in the kitchen the other day and you're such a good kisser. Can you please do that more often?" or "I've been missing you lately and I'm feeling a little lonely."

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Another example: You want to save money as a couple, and instead of bluntly saying, “You keep buying useless and impractical things, you need to stop that habit,” you could say something like this: “I’ve been feeling a bit worried about our finances lately, and I’d suggest that it wouldn’t be a bad idea if we made a money-saving plan this weekend. What do you think?”

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As you can see, following our observations on automatic thoughts, the initial introductory sentences of the topic include words that imply an absoluteness ("...you never touch", "you buy everything...").

And if we recall the three types of automatic thoughts (not accurate but distorted, accurate but leading to wrong conclusions or accurate but not useful), here is another example of using introductory phrases to express our need in a more testable way...

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Let's say you're a little shy at social events and you feel like your partner ignores you and spends time hanging around chatting with other guests at parties you're invited to. Instead of saying, "I'm sick of going to parties because I know you're going to flirt shamelessly again today," you could say, "Hey, honey, you know I'm not comfortable at parties and I have a hard time talking to people I don't know. I'd like you to spend more time with me at tonight's party and help me become more talkative in groups... You're so good at that. Are you okay with that?"

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I think at this point, you understand what I mean. Behind the "hard" emotions like anger, vindictiveness and resentment, there are much more human emotions like disappointment, fear and insecurity. If you can't tell your partner about them, you can start by writing a note and sticking it on the fridge along with a kind drawing of love!